We’ve all had it happen. Everything is going well and then you or your partner says something that makes you snap.

The other day I asked my husband to drop a sweater off at my office. We live nearby and he was happy to do it. My office building is flanked by two driveways, one is ours and the other belongs to Starbucks. Suddenly I looked up to see him in the Starbucks driveway with a fence dividing us. He was irritated by the situation and I was trying to grab the sweater before my next session. Snap. Snap. Quick repair and it was over. I rushed into the building thinking about the irony of a couples therapist having a quick argument between clients.

What kept this from getting bigger? Here are five ways to de-escalate and repair an argument before it does real damage.

1. Own your part of what just happened.

It may feel like your partner is entirely at fault but usually it takes two to tango. Starting out defending yourself says you're bracing for a fight. Find some part of it you could have handled differently, even if it’s small. In my case, I could explained the driveway situation was confusing before he got there. This isn’t about who was right. It’s about signaling to your partner that you’re not interested in winning, you’re interested in resolving.

2. Talk about how you feel, not what they did.

When you lead with what your partner did wrong and blame them, your partner feels attacked and goes on the defensive. Once that happens they are no longer really listening to you. Instead try “I felt rushed and stressed” rather than “you went to the wrong driveway.” The first opens a conversation. The second starts a debate.

3. Regulate your nervous system before you say another word.

When the two of you are blaming and defending you are usually flooded, meaning you have gone into fight or flight. Your reptile brain has taken over and neither of you can take in what the other is saying. You'll need to ground yourself before you can start to talk about what just happened. Try three slow deep breaths, shake out your body, or walk around the block. If none of that helps, agree to a time out and separate for at least 20 minutes. The important thing during that time is not to rehearse your counter argument. Use it to settle your nervous system instead. The goal is to be able to have a real conversation about what just happened, not to win.

4. Get curious about your partner’s experience.

Once you can talk calmly, set aside your own feelings for a moment and get genuinely curious about why your partner felt the way they did. Ask them what they were feeling, listen to what they are saying and ask more questions to really get a good understanding of what was going on for them. Delay defending yourself or the whole cycle will start again. Then switch. This is the heart of repair. When both people feel truly heard, the thing you were fighting about usually shrinks to its actual size.

5. Make a small gesture of reconnection.

The Gottman Method calls this a repair attempt, and it doesn’t have to be elaborate. A touch on the arm, a cup of tea, a moment of humor if the mood allows. Something that says “we’re okay” before either of you has fully processed what happened. These small gestures matter more than most people realize. They signal that the relationship is more important than the argument, and that signal lands even when words aren’t quite available yet.

What kept my Starbucks driveway moment from becoming a bigger deal was exactly this, a quick repair, a small gesture, and both of us choosing the relationship over the argument. It sounds simple and in the moment it rarely feels that way.

The Gottman Method has spent decades researching what makes relationships work and what it found is that it’s not the absence of conflict that matters. It’s the ability to repair. Couples who fight and repair well are often more connected than couples who avoid conflict altogether. Learning to de-escalate and repair an argument with your partner is one of the most valuable skills a couple can build.

Written by Tracy Sondern, LMFT Couples Counseling in Los Feliz, Los Angeles, and online throughout California.